看老外如何修改雅思文章

从事雅思教学这么多年，我深知中国学生在英语学习方面存在哪些毛病，也深知他们在雅思写作考试中为什么得不到高分。当然也有些东西我至今自己也弄不明白，比如语言的感觉，比如语言的习惯，这些东西太玄了，不在英语国家生活十几年恐怕不能完全搞清楚。如今，学英语的中国人越来越多，要参加各类英语考试的人也越来越多。中国人学英语，语法可以很精通，词汇可以很高级，句型可以很复杂，但是在写作考试中还是很难得到理想的成绩。原因很多，也很难用中国人自己的猜测说明白。既然中国人自己很难搞清楚，那就看看说英语的人是怎么看中国学生的英语文章吧。

Barry D. Steben, 加拿大籍，中文名石百睿，主要从事翻译及中日文化历史研究，在新加坡、日本及香港诸多顶尖级大学担任过翻译老师，现任上海外国语大学高级翻译学院教授。他为人和善诚恳，做事认真勤奋，深受学生爱戴。同时，他也是一个中文流利深谙中国文化的老外。在一起吃饭时，他说不习惯别人喊他教授，也不习惯喊他Barry，更不习惯别人不礼貌的喊他Steben，他说习惯学生喊他石老师。以下是请教石老师修改的一篇雅思文章。

原文Topic: Some people think that a high salary is the most important factor of a job. Others say that job satisfaction or being useful to society is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
The elements (1) for good jobs are always different in the mind (2) of different people. Some maintain that high salary is the supreme factor, while others consider job satisfaction or being useful for (3) society as the most important. Personally, I think both sides (4) are reasonable to a certain extent.
(1) elements主要指“元素”，改为“因素”factors,同时加上修饰词“essential”。
(2) 变为复数。
(3) 介词改为to。
(4) 换成views。
For almost all the (5) job hunters, salary is the first thing coming (6) to their mind(6) when choosing a job. For one thing, a well-paid (7) job can promote (8) an employee's confidence in life (9). As a result of this (10), he or she will exert more enthusiasm to fulfill their tasks (11). For another (12), a high salary also guarantees (13) a decent and enjoyable life. With enough money, people can buy large houses, cars, and fashionable clothes. With enough money, they can send (14) children to good schools, so can they (15) travel to their long-cherished destinations.
(5) 不特指，删除。
(6)，原文语法无误，石老师认为改为salary is the first thing that comes to their minds更合适。这就是感觉。
(7) 改为well-paying, 但他说well-paid不算错。
(8) 此词不合适，常被中国人滥用，换成strengthen，同时指出enhance 感觉也怪怪的。
(9) 把confidence换成更明确的self-confidence,删除累赘的in life。
(10) 直接用as a result 更爽快。中国学生喜欢啰嗦，弄得累赘。
(11) 此处表达他感觉也是不舒服，把he or she简化为he, 同时把按原句改为will put more enthusiasm into his work, 后来觉得不符合英语习惯，又改为will do his work with more enthusiasm。
(12) 觉得有点怪，换成moreover。
(13) Guarantee先被换成assure, 并说他倾向于用此词。 后又把整句改为Moreover, a high salary also allows a person to live a decent and enjoyable life.
(14) 缺少限定词their,并说这是中国学生的习惯错误，受汉语影响。
(15) 此句原为倒装，他觉得读起来不自然，改为and they can
On the other hand, there are a number of (16) people who take satisfaction into consideration (17). They regard job satisfaction as the most significant (18). They believe happiness is (19) the supreme element(20) of life. So it is not hard to see（21） sometimes if they are at odds with the （22）boss or someone else in the office, they will quit the（23） job with no hesitation. Additionally（24）, being useful for society is the pursuit of some people（25）. They consider themselves as the guardians of the society or the planet（26）. Therefore, we can often see people busy with public affairs or charity with no purpose of getting a handsome pay（27）. In fact, these kind people（28） do make much contribution（29） to our society.
(16) a number of为“几个”之意，改为many或a large number of
(17) 改为people who regard job-satisfaction as the most important thing。
(18)多余， 删除此句。
(19) Happiness不能取代job-satisfaction。
(20) Element不合适。
(21) 删除it is not hard to see，可以说得更清爽点。
(22) The 换成their。
(23) 同上。
(24) Additionally换成then。我觉得不改也无碍。
(25) 直接把整句改为Then there are those who regard being useful to society as the most important consideration。
(26) 此句有点奇怪，干脆删除。
(27) 此句中can多余，busy换成动词用法更好，charity改为更具体的charitable activities, purpose改为intent, a handsome pay 有点colloquial,换成financial reward更妥。
(28) these kind people（这些善良的人们），先是改为such kind people,后又干脆改为such people。
(29) 改为可数make contributions to 。
Jobs carry so much weight in our adult life that we have every reason to be serious with our decision（30）. As for me(31）, a good job should render me money（32） to support my family. Meanwhile,（33） it should never be a boring one, instead there should be fun and challenges in the course of doing it（34）. Also, I hope what I am doing is meaningful to the society（35）.
(30) 整句改为Our jobs occupy such an important position in our living that we really must be careful with our choice。
(31) 直接for me。
(32) Render被中国学生看做高级词，他选词不当，换成provide。
(33) 换成at the same time。
(34) 此处整句改为At the same time, it must be an interesting job that offers challenges to my intelligence and capabilities.我觉得挺好的。
(35) 整句改为Also, I hope the work I am doing contributes meaningfully to society. 把what I am doing 换成the work I am doing，is meaningful to换成contributes meaningfully to,同时认为the society不需加定冠词the。
Barry Steben 认为以上文章的作者在写作技巧上表现不俗，能在句型及词汇上做到多变，但同时人为他的英语能力有限，不能很地道很纯正地用英语表达自己的思想。整个修改过程他都很认真，但也很纠结，老是抓脑袋，哈，大概是中国学生的英文令他很痛苦。也许是在思考。修改过程中，和修改后，石老师都很谦虚地说还有更好的改法，限于时间和精力，他只能那么改了。我崇敬他的为人。

经过以上修改，形成以下一篇雅思文章。这仍然不是最好的的文章，但整个修改过程大家看了之后一定会有所收获。
      The essential factors for good jobs are always different in the minds of different people. Some maintain that a high salary is the supreme factor, while others consider job satisfaction or being useful to society to be the most important. Personally, I think both views are acceptable to a certain extent.

For almost all the job hunters, salary is the first thing that comes to their minds when choosing a job. For one thing, a well-paying job can strengthen an employee’s self-confidence. As a result, the employee will work with more enthusiasm. Moreover, a high salary also allows a person to live a decent and enjoyable life. With enough money, people can buy large houses, cars, and fashionable clothes. With enough money, they can send their children to good schools, so can they travel to their long-cherished destinations.

On the other hand, there are many people who regard job-satisfaction as the first consideration. They believe satisfaction or a sense of achievement gained from their jobs is a life-time pursuit. So sometimes if they are at odds with their boss or someone else in the office, they will quit their job with no hesitation. Then, there are those who regard being useful to society as the most important thing to consider. Therefore, we can often see people who engage themselves in public affairs or charitable activities with no intent of financial reward. In fact, such kinds of people do make many contributions to our society.
Our jobs occupy such an important position in our living that we really must be careful with our choice. For me, a good job should provide me with enough money to support my family. At the same time, it must be an interesting job that offers challenges to my intelligence and capabilities. Also, I hope the work I am doing contributes meaningfully to society.

他在修改其间多次谈到一个“衍”字，他的意思是“累赘”，也有跑题的意思。他说中国学生写文章常常会出现累赘现象，主要受中式思维影响。从我多年的教学经历中，我也感觉到了这一点。
 

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