教师深度点评托福作文 批改前后实例对照

托福作文批改实例：论广告投入与收益的合理性

托福写作Topic（题目）：

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order for a business to succeed, it must put more money in advertising.

Target text（托福作文正文）:

In this increasingly competitive society,people are almost bombarded with innumerable advertisements everyday.Advertisements have become one of the most significant form to promote the brand awareness.Many companies even raise the advertisement strategy to the top level company’s strategy,they spend much money on such projects,entrusting some professional advertising company,to make better advertisements than their competitors.As far as I am concerned,It is essential for a company to put more money in advertising,in order to succeed.

Firstly,A decent and well-known commercial can lead to a good profits.The brand image can be set up through advertisements,which can lead more people to know the company and products.It can also arouse consumer’s curiosity,the probable of people’s initiative attention will rise,and finally they will they will buy the company’s goods as soon as they appreciate the brand and the products.For example,Nao Baijin,a well-known brand of health products in China.On average,one of every two hundred people know about the brand,which result from the excellent advertisements.Almost everybody,whatever they are familiar with health care products,can see the Nao Baijin’s commercial in CCTV-1 channel every night,which contains two lovely cartoon old people who were dancing with beautiful acoustic background music.All the people will miss their parents when they see this advertisements and want to buy some gifts for their father and mother,so the Nao Baijin, a kind of health care products for old generation,become the best choice for them.We can see,a huge profits are brought by the good advertisement.

Secondly,advertisements can creative a desire for a product that might not have been there otherwise.A good advertisement can make it seem as if the entire world loves it and you should,too.As the proverb says,people believe the myth and the eventually the myth become the truth.For example,sometimes people,sitting at home,suddenly crave Coca-Cola.They are not wanting plain soda or juice or anything like that.They especially want Coca-Cola.Part of that is the tasty flavor of the beverage.But another part is the intense advertising that Coca-Cola has been doing for decades.A myth had been created that many people in the world are fond of this kind of beverage, and drinking Coca-Cola is a fashionable lifestyle that you will be considered as a countryman if you refuse it.So people gradually approve this kind of drink.A new desire for a product is created by the advertisements.

Admittedly,some advantages of putting less money on advertising can be recognized.It is helpful for a company to spend more money on promoting the quality of products.Undoubtedly,the quality is the base of the brand,so achieving enhancement of products quality is the most significant task for a company.However,promoting the brand image is as important as enhancing the quality. As it turns out,the advertisement,one form can make more people know about and expand the products’ brand awareness,is the most useful way to achieve that goal.In conclusion,I therefore reinforce my stand point that It is essential for a company to put more money in advertising,in order to succeed.Not only can it lead to more profits,but it also create a new desire for the product.

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托福作文批改后 / Revised essay——

★ 橙色标注文字为托福作文批改建议

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order for a business to succeed, it must put more money in advertising.

In this increasingly competitive society, people are almost bombarded with innumerable advertisements every [分开]day. Advertisements have become one of the most significant form to promote the brand awareness【表达太chinglish中式了 】.Many companies even raise the advertisement strategy to the top level company’s【删掉】 strategy, they spend much money on such projects, entrusting some professional advertising company, to make better advertisements than their competitors. As far as I am concerned, It is essential for a company to put more money in advertising, in order to succeed. 【英式表达习惯没有培养起来 感觉就是从中文到英语逐字翻译 其实不是的 中英对照的时候 你是想想汉语意思 然后再找对应的句型表达 而不是一个词组一个词组对应 要不就显得不地道】

Firstly, A decent and well-known commercial can lead to a good profits. 【短小精悍的句子用好了也很招阅卷老师喜欢 特别是分论点的时候 不过太过于朴实也不好 注意下次积累显摆几个出彩的句型词组会更好哦】The brand image can be set up through advertisements, which can lead more people to know the company and products. It can also arouse consumer’s curiosity, the probable of people’s initiative attention will rise【主谓不搭】,and finally they will they will 【删掉】buy the company’s goods as soon as they appreciate the brand and the products. For example, Nao Baijin, a well-known brand of health products in China. On average,one of every two hundred people know about【删掉】 the brand, whichresult【单三】 from【in】 the excellent advertisements. Almost everybody ,whatever they are【，】【whether 】familiar with health care products[or not] ,can see the Nao Baijin’s commercial in CCTV-1 channel every night, which contains two lovely cartoon old people who were dancing with beautiful acoustic background music. All the people will miss their parents when they see this advertisements and want to buy some gifts for their father and mother, so the Nao Baijin, a kind of health care products for old generation, become the best choice for them.We can see,a huge profits are brought by the good advertisement. 【句子其实有点不简洁 像这种情况 就是从句分局很绕的时候 你可以考虑把句子简化考虑下概括成词组 或者变成名词 选好谓语 这样你的句子 词组 都有了 既有多样性表达显示了文采 又不显得啰嗦 好好看看例文揣摩一下】

Secondly, advertisements can creative a desire for a product that might not have been there otherwise . 【表达太chinglish中式了 】A good advertisement can make【这个用的不好 同类表达你就用诸如contribute to,be conductive to ,enable，facilitate好了】 it seem as if the entire world loves it and you should ,too. 【表达太chinglish中式了 】As the proverb says, people believe the myth and the eventually the myth become the truth.【自己编的】 For example, sometimes people ,sitting at home, suddenly crave Coca-Cola. They are not wanting plain soda or juice or anything like that. 【口语化】They especially want Coca-Cola. Part of that is the tasty flavor of the beverage. But another part is the intense advertising that Coca-Cola has been doing for decades. A myth had been created that many people in the world are fond of this kind of beverage, and drinking Coca-Cola is a fashionable lifestyle that you will be considered as a countryman if you refuse it. So people gradually approve this kind of drink. A new desire for a product is created by the advertisements. 【英式表达习惯没有培养起来 感觉就是从中文到英语逐字翻译 其实不是的 中英对照的时候 你是想想汉语意思 然后再找对应的句型表达 而不是一个词组一个词组对应 要不就显得不地道】

Admittedly, some advantages of putting less money on advertising can be recognized. It is helpful for a company to spend more money on promoting the quality of products. Undoubtedly,the quality is the base of the brand, so achieving enhancement of products quality is the most significant task for a company. However,promoting the brand image is as important as enhancing the quality. As it turns out, the advertisement, one form can make more people know about and expand the products’ brand awareness,is the most useful way to achieve that goal. In conclusion,I therefore reinforce my stand point that It is essential for a company to put more money in advertising,in order to succeed.Not only can it lead to more profits,but it also create a new desire for the product. 【基本语法问题 好好检查自己避免】【结尾太罗嗦 扯远了】

预估分数：12

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托福写作学习建议：

1、托福作文全文论据结构安排较好，两条论据论A好，一条论B不好，整体采用总分总形式，结构清晰明了。

2、作者应在托福写作遣词造句上多下工夫，扩充词汇量，句式应尽量使用主动形式，可尝试变换主语来使得托福作文句式更加灵活。

3、尽量避免过于长的语句表达，托福作文长句的写作对逻辑思维和语法要求较高。建议先从简单句子开始练习托福写作。托福作文并不是句式越复杂越好，其宗旨是表达精炼，论述有力。

4、句子赘述太多，很多句子感觉是中文直译。建议多阅读高分的托福作文，注意观察高分托福作文中对词语句式的使用。尤其是副词使用好了，可以达到四两拨千斤的效果。

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