托福考试TPO24独立写作批改点评

托福写作Topic（题目）：

Do you agree or disagree with the statement: One of the best way that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to tkae a part-time job

托福写作Target text（文章正文）：

From my experience, not many parents allow their children to have a part-time job. Some so-called experts say that the main thing children should focus is their study. However, I think that taking any extra work on their free time apart from the studying is one of the useful way for children to prepare for their future.

To begin with, the part-time jobs can help children cultivate their responsibilities to their lives. When working and experiencing the routine their parents have to face in the daily lives, children can develop their psychology and became more responsible to the society. Any part-time job is not easy for a kid, and when people, no expectation from a child face to the rigorous condition, they can facilitate the development inner their minds and become stronger. For instance, when the schedule of a child is filled with his study and part-time job, it has a large possibility that the same time is occupied by the two tasks and he or she may not have time to do his or her homework. Under this condition, this child have to look for the balance between his two routines. In this process of balancing, he or she must have grown up his stability in the mind.

Furthermore, a part-time job can enlarge the friends' circle and contribute the children more opportunities to meet the friends who they may need in the future, therefore preparing the conditions in a further time for children. When children are always study at school, the people they meet are just the classmates and their teachers. This kind of friends' circle is too tedium. However, if the children have a part-time job, the people they meet every day are the different consumers, almost of whom are the adults. Those people have more experience in their lives and it is more valuable to make friends who are better than themselves are because those friends can give more valuable and more experienced suggests. The people a person needs the most is not who always have fun with but is who can offer the useful advices. Therefore, having the friends who children meet at the job is more valuable for their future lives.

In words, having a part-time job can not only promote children's responsibilities to the society but also prepare the friends they need in the future, therefore becoming one the perfect way for children to rehearse the life they need when they grow up.

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新通托福写作名师综合点评及批改意见：

总的来看，这篇文章论据和主题句不一致，论据展开比较啰嗦，而且好些地方表意不明。整篇文章的表述很奇怪，比较中式。写作不是将中文直译为英文，而是要根据你想要表达的意思，用英文来组句表达，而且一定要让别人知道你所要表达的意思。另外，文章有较多的语法错误，语法基本功底比较薄弱。建议参考范文做修改。

托福写作学习建议：

1、尝试用反面观点来进行论证。

2、写文章前先制定写作大纲。

3、写作是需要注意使用的论证方式，写好之后要回看修改。

4、注意论据和论点之间的关系要紧密。

5、论证方式要多样化。

6、注意论据要多用细节。看是否有更多的论据来支撑观点。

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