托福写作词句分析（二）

Original: Young people tend to think that real life is as nice and interesting as it is in the novels and movies, while more experienced adults think this kind of naive daydream will only be destroyed by later experiences and every one should learn to get used to common everyday life.

Revised: Young people tend to think that real life is as dramatic and fascinating as it is in the novels and movies, while more experienced adults think this kind of naive daydream will only be destroyed by later experiences and every one should learn to get used to tedious everyday life.

亮点评析

nice，interesting，common都属于普通词汇，用到句子中也显得平淡苍白。nice的意思是“好的，令人愉快的”，interesting是“有趣的”，这两个词都不能准确地描绘出年轻人所憧憬的美好生活，句中想表达的是年轻人认为生活如同小说、电影一般充满戏剧变化，激动人心，要体现这层含义应该用dramatic，fascinating。

dramatic表示“刺激的，戏剧性的，给人深刻印象的”，fascinating表示“具有强烈吸引力的，迷人的，使人神魂颠倒的”，这两个词的程度要比nice，interesting深得多，表现力也更强。原句用common表达实际的现实生活的枯燥无味是不准确的，common的意思是“普通的，平常的”，普通平常的东西不一定是枯燥的，tedious是表示“(因过长、过慢或单调)令人厌倦的，烦人的”，恰好传达出现实生活由于琐碎和重复而变得索然无味这种含义。

Original: You should compete to live in this society.
　　Revised: You should compete for survival; otherwise, you will be thrown out of the tide of society.

亮点评析

原句平平淡淡，只是告诉人们要在社会立足，必须竞争，但这样一句简单的劝告似乎缺乏说服力，修改后的句子用了compete for survival，为了生存而竞争，而且后面又添加了一个并列分句，补充说明了如果不compete的后果就是be thrown out of the tide of society，被社会的浪潮所淘汰，使用这些更加具体深刻的词汇能够形象生动地表现出竞争的惨烈。

Original: I really believe that smoking is harmful to people’s health.
　　Revised: I have a profound conviction that smoking is harmful to people’s health.

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亮点评析

conviction的意思是“坚定的看法或信仰”，have a profound conclusion表示对某种看法深信不疑，作文中提出观点的句子用have a profound conclusion会比用believe态度更坚决，立场更鲜明，而且believe这个词非常简单，是英语初学者就应掌握的词汇，换成have a profound conclusion立即增加了句子的复杂程度，体现了较强的语言运用能力。类似的提出观点的表达还有：
　　I hold a point of view that…
　　I hold the opinion that… 　　

Original: We know that sometimes success is measured by how much money you earn.
　　Revised: It does not surprise us to discover that sometimes success is measured in terms of the money you earn.

亮点评析

如上句的believe一样，know也是非常初级的词汇，作文中出现I believe that…，I know that…这样的表达只能体现考生写作技巧的稚嫩，用It does not surprise us to discover that…替换We know that…并没有改变原句的含义，却使全句顿时增添了亮点。

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