学生雅思作文评价及批改示例

Task: Someone believes that a taxpayer has done his part as a citizen. However, someone believes that a citizen should assume other responsibilities. Discuss both views and present your opinion.

（1）It is observed that paying tax has become the obligation of every citizen. Money collected from people plays a great part in the development of the whole society. （2）While other people voice that there exists other responsibilities one should take of the society as a whole. （3）On my account, both sizes of question always appear to have so much merit.

首段综评：从语法与词汇两个方面来说，（1）部分的引题还算成功。但是，其后（2）部分的“while other people voice that"则显得很突兀，因为之前并没有与之相对应的“一些人”。随后的（3）部分中所用到的句式则非常奇怪。

（4）First of all, tax is one of the most important element to maintain economy balanced. Taxes program a critical function in one country’s development. Social welfare, constructions and various undertakings depend much on the fund of taxes. So money originated from taxpayers is used on themselves.
　　（5）Thanks to people’s regular payments, poverty population’s lowest living condition can be preserved and improved. Poor people are able to be treated in hospital when they are ill. Besides, finance departments plan the whole year’s budgets according to the quantity of tax revenue.

二段综述：（4）（5）的基本逻辑关系为：概述+ 详述。（4）部分包含三个自然句，其间出现了缠绕的论证，这是英文写作中的大忌。（5）部分也出现了相同问题。

建议修改：It is out of question that taxation mechanism is a keystone, upon which economic development is sustained and social undertakings are assured. （本段主题句）For example（举例）, optimizing the revenue collected from taxation system, governments have infrastructure ameliorated and cater for various civilians' needs. As a result（结果）, the public, irrespective of their backgrounds, can have the opportunities of public hospitalization, personal enrichment, and promotion. （从范文中摘抄）

What is more, what we should do for our country is far more than paying tax.(Nevertheless, people ought to make more commitment to society than taxpaying) For instance, human activities exert adverse influence on our globe these years, and everyone assumes the responsible to build environmental friendly society.
　　Further more (Furthermore), science plays a significant role in pushing social development. Every discovery or invention has its special meaning for specialized field’s advancement. People should be encouraged to do their outmost to make more contributions to science and culture career for their country.

第三段评价：下划线部分共表达了两个核心思想：环境保护+ 科学（文化）发展。构思颇具匠心。然而，本文所论证的为“公民责任”，但这两个核心思想的表述在“主语选择”上却偏离了这个重心，在此方面可以注意。

In the final analysis, advancement of society appeals to people’s united power. We not only make progress by means of taxes(taxation), but also utilize other multitudinous ways to reach the goal of creating harmonious communities. Better life depends on people’s contribution of different aspects.

综合评价：此学生是非常刻苦认真的学生，在课堂上积累了很多的词汇句型等。思路上也力求创新深刻。但问题是在追求词汇和句子难度的同时忽略了写作的逻辑，导致文章逻辑缠绕，有些晦涩难懂。

改进建议：
　　1. 加强论证中的直线思维；
　　2. 加强连词；
　　3. 注重细节，避免语法错误...everyone assumes the responsible（responsibility） to build environmental friendly society.

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